When Marriage Becomes A Broken Dream

Every story of redemption starts in a place of pain and heartache. I can’t possibly share the good without first sharing the bad.

When Marriage Becomes A Broken Dream.

I watched them often, and loved them equally. The Notebook, Jerry Maguire, Romeo & Juliet, Twilight, the list goes on and on. I sat and watched on the big screen, the small screen, lucky women, finding what I longed for. I wanted him to say  “you complete me”. I wanted him to want to die, without me. To be willing to sacrifice his own love for me, because of his unwavering love for me.

I cried.

Tears of happiness streamed down my face for the character who found true love. Tears of sorrow for woman inside who felt unloved, unknown, unseen.

After being married for years, I didn’t have what my heart longed for. I had a mess. A messed up husband, and a messed up marriage. I wouldn’t deny that I too was messed up, and my life felt like it was crumbling around me.

Where was the attraction I once had for my husband? Why did I look at him, and sometimes feel like I hadn’t really seen him in weeks? What had become of the man who once captivated my heart, made me laugh, and excited me in so many ways?

Why did I even get married? Life was easier before marriage.This marriage, this man, were not at all what I thought they would be when I said “I do”, so many years ago.

Before I got married I had dreams. Dreams about the man, the marriage, our home, our children. So many dreams, with little to show for it. A broken heart, a broken spirit, and a shattered dream, that was what I had.

I don’t know when he went from being my best friend, to someone I couldn’t stand being around. I don’t know when I went from wanting to share my life with him, to wanting to keep secrets from him.

What changed? I haven’t changed, and if I have it’s because of who he’s forced me to become. He’s sucked everything that was once wonderful about me, out of me. I’m a shell of a person. I don’t even like me anymore. 

Why is it that the one relationship in my life that was supposed to provide me with protection, feels like it’s killing me? Why can’t I be loved unconditionally in sickness and in health? Why does it feel like he doesn’t even know me anymore? Maybe he never knew me at all.

Maybe I believed a lie. Maybe I married the wrong person. We were young, and I was foolish. I clearly didn’t understand the gravity and finality of my choice, all those years ago. How could I have? I was just a young woman, fresh faced and full of imagination and determination.

So here I sit, asking question after question, to myself. Wondering how long I can actually survive in this hopeless state. I’ve been beaten down, not by him, but by life, and he hasn’t made it any easier. I know in these moments that God loves me, but I don’t understand why He would let me end up here. Is this my punishment for getting married before I was a Christian? Is this my “cross to bear”? How could anything change in my marriage when my husband and I are worlds apart?

So I cry for my marriage, my family, and myself. When will the pain and disappointment end? When will I get to my breaking point? When will I find what I’m looking for? Can it even be found? Maybe I want too much. Maybe I’m a bad person. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be happy.

Maybe…

To be continued….