Sometimes I feel like two completely different moms, at the same time.
On one hand I love cuddling and loving on my “babies”. I enjoy keeping them close, encouraging games of tickles and giggles, and watching adorable sleeping children. I feel desperate to get the toddler days and the infant days back. To see chubby cheeks on the slimming, more boyish faces. To swaddle, and make bottles. As my newly two year old daughter starts acting more like her older siblings I fight back the tears… okay I cry like a baby. I want my babies back. I don’t want them to get older, no longer need me, have their own lives separate from what we have happening inside our home. I want them to like what I like because they adore me (so maybe that’s never really happened). I feel the pain of change. Change that happens on a daily basis.
On the other hand, I want to laugh with my older children about things they did when they were “little”. Share You Tube videos of shows they liked when they were toddlers, and bask in the glory of having exceptionally brilliant children , who will one day be married, and have families of their own. I like to talk to them about how they will have their own homes, and one day they can bring my grandchildren over for the same milk and “coffee” we are sharing. I like to dream about a future where they are grown and gone and I can finally have some much needed couple time with my husband. I love considering the friendships I will have with them, like the one I share with my own parents.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I want. I know I want to hold them as long as possible, but I don’t want to hold them so tight I can’t let go.
I guess I will just take it day by day, and make sure that regardless of what I want, they know they have a mom who loves them.
Do you ever feel this way?